WASHINGTON, DC—In a rare press conference, President* Biden said that he has officially changed his name to Emperor Palbiden and will be assuming more authority to save democracy. He will be getting rid of all federal elections to ensure they are fair.

Citizens of the United States, on this day we mark a transition. For a thousand years, the Republic stood as the crowning achievement of civilized beings. But there were those who would set us against one another, and we took arms to defend of way of life against the Separatists. In doing so, we never suspected that the greatest threat came from within.

Right-wing extremists pretending to be Christians and even some in our own Congress have conspired to create the shadow of Separatism using one of their own as the enemy’s leader. They had hoped to grind the Republic into ruin. But the hatred in their hearts could not be hidden forever. As last, there came a day when our enemies showed their true natures.

Under the Empire’s New Order, our most cherished beliefs will be safeguarded. We will defend our ideals by force of arms. We will give no ground to our enemies and we will stand together against attacks from with or without. Let the enemies of the Empire take heed: Those who challenge Imperial resolve will be crushed.

Palbiden has already deployed a fleet of AT-ATs throughout the capital to protect against rebel scum.

“Those who do not serve my ends, no matter how powerful they are, will be eliminated,” Palbiden said.

On his critics, he had a few choice words:

“Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the dark side,” Palbiden said.

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