WASHINGTON DC—Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden has demanded to know who he’s going to pick for his vice presidential running mate. We immediately caught up with ol’ Joe for an interview.
“I demand to know who I’m going to pick to be vice president. Who I want to sit very closely to me in the Oval Office. You have my word that I will let you know as soon as I find out who I’m going to pick.”
The former vice president needed a break to smell someone’s hair, then continued. “I used to be a vice president, so I know what makes a good one! These are the people I might choose.”
“She’s a good egg. She didn’t hesitate to vote for me, so of course she’s black!” said Biden, “and I’m a true, devout Christian and because of that, I see no problem with her attending and supporting a Church of Scientology. We’re the democrats, so of course we love science!”
“Everyone in Michigan loves her,” said Biden, “I talked to her once and you know what? She’s just as bright as poor kids!”
“I also commend her response to COVID-19. Insisting that everyone in Vermont stay home is a great way to keep the virus at bay.”
We tried to inform the Vice President that Whitmer is governor of Michigan, but he did not seem to care. He continued.
“She was a UN Ambassador and I just might pick her, seeing as every American has forgotten about Benghazi!”
“She’s a veteran so all those gun toting, army loving nut jobs will vote for us. And she’s quite cute too, Asian women always wash their hair,” said Biden with a laugh. “And if anyone can count the blonde hairs on my legs, it’s her! Not that she can count the hairs on her legs!”
The VP then laughed hysterically at his own joke. After everyone in the room stared him down, he continued.
“She self-identifies as black so, we know she is and that makes her qualified to be my VP. No identity politics are going on here. And you know what else? I know she would do well in office because her resume includes something that everyone wants in politics in 2020. Harris is a former police officer! What person in American, whether white, Mexican, Asian, Native American, or black, would not want a former cop in the white house?!”
The former VP concluded the interview by informing our reporters that we need to consider switching to coconut scented shampoo.