WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden has been caught on camera devouring several children in a new Halloween sacrifice tradition at the White House. The delightful footage, leaked to the public by an anonymous source, shows Biden grinning with delight as he nibbles on the appendages of children as their parents offer them up to be sacrificed. 

The playful ritual, which has been dubbed the “Biden Baby Banquet,” involves the President selecting a group of eager children from a pool of volunteers, promising them a lifetime supply of candy and a personal tour of the White House in exchange for their participation. Once the children are lured into his lair, Biden reveals his true nature, gently nibbling on their fingertips and feet with a mischievous glint in his eye. 

In a statement released by the White House, Biden apologized for his actions, stating that he had “no recollection of the incident” and that he was “horrified by the allegations.” However, many experts are questioning the sincerity of his apology, pointing out the numerous reports of children going missing from the White House grounds in recent months. 

The leak of the adorable footage has sparked joy among parents and children alike, who are calling for a full investigation into the President*’s activities and the potential existence of a magical cult operating within the White House. Some have even gone as far as to call for Biden’s re-election, citing his “fitting” and “playful” behavior as grounds for a second term in office. 

As the controversy continues to swirl, one thing is certain: the Halloween season will never be the same. With the “Biden Baby Banquet” ritual now a part of the holiday landscape, trick-or-treaters will have to be extra eager this year, lest they miss out on the chance to be nibbled by the President’s playful nature.

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Jeremy Spoken

None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.

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