WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden opened the door to a renewed American slave trade after stating that “no constitutional amendment is absolute.”

Would-be slave owners were excited to hear of the new executive policy, which was focused on stripping Americans of their Second Amendment right to bear arms but also cast doubt on every amendment including the Thirteenth Amendment, which outlawed slavery.

When asked what part of “Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction” is problematic, Biden answered by mumbling something indistinct.

“No amendment, no amendment to the Constitution is absolute,” Biden said. “From the very beginning, you could own slaves. From the very beginning that the Thirteenth Amendment existed, certain people were allowed to have slaves.”

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki has promised to circle back on the details of the new Biden executive order legalizing slavery now that no constitutional amendment is absolute.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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