President Biden has just released his 1924 New Year’s resolutions at a press conference today in Washington, DC.

“Yes, here are my New Year’s Resolutions! I have copies of this list for everyone here! And best of all, these were released via the latest technology.” Biden told reporters. The president then held up a stack of stapled together postcards.

After gruffly throwing the postcards at reporters, Biden started to urgently leave the stage. However, after Jill Biden charged toward him and whispered something in his ear, Joe Biden turned back to the crowd to speak.

“It seems that I am supposed to talk about these new resolutions.” Biden then motioned to his staff, who quickly set up a teleprompter. After a brief ten-minute wait, the teleprompter was up and running. Biden continued.

“This year has been hard, people have been struggling financially.” For some reason, Biden could not say this without smiling. “But I will fulfill my resolutions and change myself and change America! Here are my New Year’s resolutions for next year 1924:

1. Perfect the Charleston: Armed with the latest dance moves, Biden vows to outshine all the flappers on the dance floor. He’s determined to Charleston his way into the hearts of the nation and prove that age is just a number.
2. Master the Art of Prohibition Evasion: In the spirit of the times, Biden sets out to perfect the art of slyly sidestepping Prohibition laws. Whether it’s a hidden speakeasy or a flask tucked away in his pinstriped suit, the President aims to enjoy his favorite libations without raising any eyebrows.
3. Host a Presidential Poker Night: Biden, known for his poker face, decides to take it up a notch by hosting a clandestine poker night at the White House. Political adversaries are invited to the table, where bets are placed, bluffs are called, and international relations are settled over a friendly game of cards.
4. Become the First President to Own a Jazzercise Studio: Ever the trendsetter, Biden plans to open the first-ever Jazzercise studio in the White House basement. He envisions a nation getting fit to the rhythm of the Charleston and the lively tunes of the Jazz Age.
5. Introduce the Electric Slide to Congress: In an attempt to foster bipartisanship, Biden dreams of teaching the Electric Slide to members of Congress. He believes that synchronized dance moves could be the key to harmony on Capitol Hill, proving that unity is not just a political buzzword.
6. Commission a National Zoot Suit Day: Embracing the fashion of the era, Biden resolves to make the zoot suit a symbol of American pride. He envisions citizens from coast to coast strutting their stuff in exaggeratedly long jackets and trousers.
7. Learn to Drive a Model T: In an effort to stay connected with the common man, Biden aims to master the art of driving a Model T Ford. He envisions himself cruising down Pennsylvania Avenue, waving to citizens while sporting a dapper driving cap.
8. Establish a Cabinet of Vaudeville Performers: Recognizing the importance of entertainment in politics, Biden envisions a cabinet filled with vaudeville performers. Jugglers, acrobats, and ventriloquists will bring a touch of whimsy to policy discussions.

Once again Biden started to leave the stage while holding back a huge yawn, but Jill Biden waved at him them mouthed some words. To which Joe Biden turned to the crowd and said, “And God Bless America!” Cheers and applause then rang out as the Bidens left.

“I think it’s great what Biden will do in 2024,” said political blogger Kip D. Routine, “It just makes so much sense. A president-elect who promises to change the world why, that’s the best thing ever!”

“It was a beautiful speech,” said Barack Obama, “As any intelligent person can see. Especially the way he used the word change!”

A rather jaded, cynical, and foolish viewer had this to say about Biden’s New Year’s resolutions, “All he said were obscure terms that could be interpreted in many different ways. This man has promised nothing!”

We at the Genesius Times hope this person will stop being so cynical and accept the reality that is Joe Biden, president-elect.

_{Originally published December 28, 2020.}

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