Biden executive order punishes parents who don’t chop off the arms of kids who identify as T-Rex

WASHINGTON, DC–President* Joe Biden signed legislation yesterday that criminalizes parents who don’t chop off the arms of their children who identify as a T-Rex and replace them with little lizard appendages.

Biden took the brave stance against anti-trans-species bigotry prevalent in the country.

“If a child of three years old thinks they’re a Tyrannosaurus Rex, then by golly, they’re a Tyrannosaurus Rex,” Biden whispered in a press conference announcing the order.

The move fulfills a promise that then-candidate Biden made on the campaign trail:

“I will flat out just change the law, eliminate those executive orders,” Biden, the Democratic presidential nominee, said. “There should be zero discrimination. I mean, if we’re going to be real, the military should love a couple T-Rexes in the ranks! If a 3-year-old thinks he’s T-Rex, we need to pump him up with hormones and cut off his arms.”

Biden made the order law during Pride Month which celebrates pride of all mental disorders.

“You little kids should be proud to be what God made you and if that just happens to be a bloodthirsty extinct reptilian monster with little arms, then that’s okay,” Biden said. “And what’s more is if you reject this transition, we’re going to throw you in jail.”

The parents who deny the trans-species affirming procedure will be sent to a re-education camp.

Originally published May 23, 2022


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