BREAKING: Biden Sneaks in Pardon for Hunter During Annual Turkey Pardon Ceremony
Washington, D.C. – The annual Thanksgiving turkey pardon at the White House took an unexpected turn today when President Joe Biden slipped in a pardon for his son, Hunter Biden, in between jokes about cranberry sauce and awkward banter with the press.
The ceremony began as usual, with Biden addressing the gathered crowd and introducing the two lucky turkeys, “Stuffing” and “Gravy.” But as the president lifted his hand to pardon the birds, eagle-eyed observers noticed he was holding a folded piece of paper.
“Today, we celebrate forgiveness,” Biden said, his voice swelling with emotion. “Not just for these beautiful turkeys, who were unfairly targeted for their… uh… deliciousness, but also for my son, Hunter, who, let’s face it, has been through a lot, folks. A lot. He’s had laptops, taxes, paintings. But you know what? No turkey deserves to go to jail, and neither does my boy.”
The move left reporters scrambling to confirm what they had just heard. “Wait, did he just pardon Hunter Biden?” one journalist shouted.
The White House Press Secretary quickly clarified in a post-ceremony briefing: “This was a completely normal, totally traditional pardon ceremony. Presidents have always pardoned turkeys and, on occasion, family members who may or may not have committed federal crimes. It’s all very routine.”
Hunter Biden was seen walking around the White House grounds gobbling and gave a statement to the press following the ceremony: “I’m grateful for my dad—I mean, the President’s—commitment to fairness and poultry. I’ll be celebrating this Thanksgiving with a plate of stuffing, a glass of wine, and no further comment.”
Critics immediately pounced on the move. Former President Donald Trump released a statement: “Biden’s corruption is so bad, even the turkeys are laughing. SAD! When I pardoned turkeys, they were the only ones getting pardoned. Everyone knows that!”
The turkeys themselves seemed nonplussed by the drama. “We’re just happy not to be dinner,” Gravy reportedly said in turkey language, as interpreted by the White House animal whisperer.
In a strange twist, as Biden wrapped up the event, he accidentally thanked “Corn Pop” for his contributions to the day’s success and wandered off without actually finishing the ceremony. Stuffing and Gravy were last seen waddling toward the Lincoln Memorial, while White House staffers scrambled to explain that Hunter’s pardon was “more of a suggestion” than an official declaration.
Whether the nation will buy it remains to be seen. In the meantime, the turkeys—and Hunter—can rest easy, at least for one more year.
About Author
