WASHINGTON, DC—Media reports confirmed today that President Biden is set to have his first press conference in the year 4032, shortly after the year it will be okay to stop wearing masks.

Biden’s Press Secretary Jen Psaki made the announcement earlier today. “I can finally confirm that the president will give his first press conference in the year 4032,” she said. “I know that’s a bit far from now, but it’s the only year he’s available to do it in since he’ll be taking an extended nap for the next 2,000 years. We had to work around the president’s hectic schedule of non-stop napping. He’s having a really good nap right now.”

Psaki’s announcement created some confusion, however, since it’s currently unclear if the country will even survive that long, let alone the president. It’s also unclear if Biden will even remember that he’s president in 2,000 years from now, since he seemingly can’t remember what happened 5 seconds ago.

Psaki also confirmed that when she says she’s going to “circle back” that means after one revolution of our solar system around the Milky Way galaxy, which is approximately 225 to 250 million terrestrial years.

In a follow-up statement, Psaki also confirmed that Biden will finally visit the border in the year 3046.

About Author

Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

If you’d like to support my daily satirical outbursts, donations are always welcome by clicking here.

See author's posts