WASHINGTON DC—Self-appointed President-Elect Joe Biden warned of the many dangers of socializing during a Thanksgiving address Wednesday, warning people particularly to not eat too much turkey, “or the trunalimunumaprzure will make you sleepy.”

“We’re facing a major crisis and a Dark Winter in America if we eat too much turkey. I know how to mobilize trunalimunumaprzure, but many people do not, that is why I ask every American to stay in a dark room alone and not give thanks during Thanksgiving,” Biden said during the address which over 600 people watched.

Biden said his administration’s new policies will change the course of the coronavirus pandemic on “day one.” He also urged families to forego their traditions and limit their joy during the holidays as that leads to not being dependent on the government.

“We’ll find people with cases and get them away from one another, slowing the number of infections. More protective gear for businesses and our schools,” Biden said. “The federal government has vast powers to combat the virus, and I commit to you I will use all of those powers to lead a national coordinated response. Let me mobilize the Trunalimunumaprzure. Don’t try to wield its power without me.”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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