Biden’s FDA bans Juul from selling e-cigarettes; approves them selling crack instead

WASHINGTON, DC—A new report says that the Food and Drug Administration is planning to cut off Juul e-cigarettes from the U.S. market and make the company sell crack pipes instead.

The Wall Street Journal reported the FDA could order Juul to stop selling its e-cigs in U.S. markets as early as Wednesday, according to unnamed sources with knowledge of the matter. Juul will be able to start selling crack instead as soon as they can ramp up production.

“We know that e-cigarettes are horrible. They’re addictive and harmful,” President* Joe Biden said in a press conference on the matter. “But crack on the other hand. Well, we all know that that’s great for you.”

Biden’s son Hunter Biden who is also the FDA Director said the move will benefit all Americans.

“We need less nicotine and more crack,” Hunter Biden said.

Juul is excited about the transition.

“Obviously, the experts at the FDA know about health, so we’re just excited to be a part of this move toward a healthier America,” Juul CEO Anita Fixx said.

close

"Excuse me, has this joke been fact-checked?"

Bypass Zuck and his minions and receive hilarious "unauthorized" satire to your inbox, every day.

We don’t spam! Read our privacy policy for more info.