US—Adherents to the fastest growing religion in the country, the Branch Covidian cult, held candlelight vigils across the country after learning Dr. Anthony Fauci will be stepping down from his position at the NIAID.
The 81-year-old Fauci leave government service in December after more than 50 years.
“I just can’t handle it. What are we going to do without science??” one Branch Covidian said, holding back tears.
In a Sunday evening interview, Fauci said he was “not retiring in the classic sense,” and would devote himself to killing innocent people through other means.
Several Branch Covidians sacrified their beagles during the vigil in honor of Fauci.
“So long as I’m able to spew bullsh*t that the media will lap up like the sycophants they are, I will continue to do some things outside of the realm of the federal government,” he told the Genesius Times. He also has a memoir about how he wrecked the world in the works.