BREAKING: All Congresspeople who voted for Ukraine funding have been drafted to fight in the war
Washington, DC—In a shocking turn of events, all Congresspeople who voted in favor of Ukraine funding have received a surprise “thank you” package from the Pentagon: a one-way ticket to the front lines of the Ukraine-Russia war.
The move, announced by a grinning Secretary of Defense, is being hailed as a bold new approach to “skin-in-the-game” politics. “We figured, why not give our esteemed lawmakers a chance to experience the thrill of war firsthand?” said the SecDef, winking at reporters. “After all, they were so eager to send billions of taxpayer dollars to support the Ukrainian military. Now they can see the action up close and personal!”
Reactions from the conscripted Congresspeople have ranged from outrage to utter bewilderment. “This is a travesty!” exclaimed Senator Chuck Schumer (D-CT). “I voted for Ukraine funding because I believe in supporting our allies, not because I wanted to trade in my suit for a flak jacket!”
Representative Dan Crenshaw (R-TX) was more philosophical, muttering, “I guess this is what they mean by ‘putting your money where your mouth is’…”
Meanwhile, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky has issued a statement welcoming the American lawmakers to the war effort. “We’re thrilled to have these brave men and women fighting alongside our troops,” he said. “Who knows? Maybe they’ll even learn to appreciate the value of a well-funded military.”
As the Congressional conscripts scrambled to pack their bags and bid farewell to their families, Capitol Hill was abuzz with speculation about the implications of this unprecedented move. “Will this set a new precedent for lawmakers who vote for military interventions?” wondered one pundit. “Will we see a surge in ‘no’ votes on future defense spending bills?”
In related news, the White House has announced a new initiative to provide “Combat-Ready Haircare” services to all Congressional conscripts, ensuring that their coifs remain stylish and camera-ready even in the midst of battle.
Stay tuned for further updates on this developing story, and remember: when it comes to funding wars, be careful what you wish for…
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