WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising twist, President* Joe Biden has been informed that he no longer wants to run for president in the upcoming 2024 election. The revelation came during a recent White House meeting, where aides reportedly briefed him on his newfound disinterest in seeking re-election.

Sources close to the President* say that the meeting began with the usual topics: the economy, foreign policy, and the latest in ice cream flavors. However, things took an unexpected turn when Chief of Staff Ron Klain presented Biden with a memo titled, “Reasons You Definitely Don’t Want to Run for President Anymore.”

According to insiders, Biden looked puzzled as Klain began to read the memo aloud. “Mr. President*, you have done an incredible job, and it’s time to pass the torch,” Klain read. “Running for president again would be extremely tiring, and let’s face it, you’d rather spend your evenings watching ‘Matlock’ reruns.”

At this point, Biden reportedly nodded in agreement. “You know, I do love ‘Matlock,'” he murmured, while sipping on his signature chocolate chip ice cream.

The memo continued, highlighting key points such as the increased time he could spend with his grandkids, the stress of dealing with the constant barrage of political attacks, and the fact that he’s already made history by being the oldest president* ever. “Why push your luck?” the memo quipped.

As the list went on, Biden’s aides noticed a change in the President*’s demeanor. “You know, I think you guys are right,” Biden said thoughtfully. “I don’t really want to run for president again. I mean, who needs all that hassle?”

Vice President Kamala Harris, who was present at the meeting, was quick to offer her support. “Joe, you’ve done so much for this country already. You’ve earned a break,” she said, with a smile that some interpreted as relief.

Meanwhile, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) has already begun exploring other potential candidates for 2024. Rumors are swirling that Hillary Clinton has dusted off her old campaign signs, while California Governor Gavin Newsom is reportedly practicing his presidential wave.

In a statement to the press, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre confirmed the news. “President* Biden has been informed that he definitely doesn’t want to run for president anymore, and he fully supports this decision,” Jean-Pierre said. “He looks forward to enjoying his retirement and continuing to serve the American people in other ways.”

The announcement has left the political world in a state of shock. Republican leaders were quick to respond, with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell stating, “Well, that’s one less Democrat we have to worry about.”

Former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social to weigh in. “Sleepy Joe finally admits he doesn’t want to run! Everyone knows he couldn’t handle another campaign. SAD!” Trump posted.

As for President* Biden, he seems to be embracing his newfound freedom. “You know, this retirement thing doesn’t sound so bad,” he mused. “Maybe I’ll finally have time to finish that jigsaw puzzle.”

Only time will tell what the future holds for Joe Biden, but one thing is certain: He’s been informed, and he’s taking it all in stride.

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