Biden offers free healthcare and $6000 a month to all the aliens invading new Jersey in drones

TRENTON, NJ—President* Joe Biden announced a groundbreaking new initiative to provide free healthcare and a $6,000 monthly stipend to all aliens currently invading New Jersey via drones.

“We’re a compassionate nation, folks,” Biden declared in a press conference while squinting at the teleprompter. “If these little green fellas—or gray, I don’t judge—are coming all the way from outer space, the least we can do is make sure they have Medicare and some spending money. Malarkey stops here!”

Alien Drones Over the Garden State

The program, officially dubbed Operation Intergalactic Inclusion, comes as residents of New Jersey report an alarming increase in drone sightings over their neighborhoods. Local officials initially thought the drones were just Amazon testing faster delivery times. But after spotting strange beings waving tentacles out of drone windows, they realized this was something far more extraterrestrial.

“They’re hovering over diners and trying to communicate with locals,” said Trenton resident Connie Blipkins. “But instead of saying ‘Take me to your leader,’ they’re asking for a Wi-Fi password and where to find the nearest DMV.”

A Generous Package for Our Galactic Guests

The Biden administration’s plan includes:

• Full access to federal healthcare programs, including alien-specific services like antenna adjustments and hyper-spatial stress therapy.
• A $6,000 monthly stipend to help aliens “get back on their feet—or whatever appendages they use.”
• Fast-track citizenship for any alien who promises to register as a Democrat and attend Kamala Harris’ next town hall.

“This isn’t just about money,” Biden explained. “It’s about values. These aliens—whether they’re from Andromeda or the Jersey Turnpike—deserve the same opportunities as anyone else to sit on their couch, order takeout, and binge-watch The Golden Girls on my dime.”

Critics Say Plan is “Out of This World”

Not everyone is on board with Biden’s proposal. Republican lawmakers were quick to blast the initiative. “So now we’re giving money and free medical care to aliens who didn’t even use the border like everyone else?” said Senator Ted Cruz. “They’re literally flying over the wall. This is a slap in the face to hardworking UFO enthusiasts everywhere.”

Even some Democrats expressed concern. “Joe, I’m all for inclusivity, but $6,000 a month? That’s more than I make,” grumbled Senator Bernie Sanders, adding, “And I work two jobs: legislator and meme legend.”

Aliens React to the News

While Biden’s offer has sparked heated debate on Earth, the alien community is reportedly divided.

“We appreciate the gesture, but $6,000 a month? That’s not even enough to fuel a hyperdrive,” said Xorlak, a spokesperson for the United Federation of Galactic Freeloaders. “And don’t even get me started on Earth healthcare. Your ‘out-of-network’ rules make the Klingon judicial system look kind.”

Other aliens were more enthusiastic. “We came here for the American Dream: free stuff,” said Zorb, an alien drone pilot hovering over Atlantic City. “And New Jersey feels like home—it’s almost as polluted as Planet Gronxar.”

A Final Word From Joe

As drones continued to buzz over New Jersey’s skyline, Biden doubled down on his plan. “Folks, this is America. We welcome all kinds—aliens, Martians, and yes, even the Mets fans. Because that’s who we are,” he said before trailing off and muttering something about corn poppers on UFOs.

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting that the aliens aren’t here for freebies but to retrieve one of their own. “Have you seen Biden’s speeches lately?” asked one analyst. “If that’s not alien behavior, I don’t know what is.”

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