WASINGTON, DC – In an effort to break the impasse surrounding debt ceiling negotiations, President Biden today announced a hunger strike, refusing to eat his mush until Republicans abandon demands to curb spending to pre-pandemic levels.
White House Assisted Living Director Libby Finklestein confirmed that Biden didn’t touch his breakfast. “All three dividers on the President’s mush plate were untouched” she explained. “No oatmeal, no cream corn and no applesauce.”
In response to the latest negotiating tactic, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy sent the hungry and agitated Biden a trans themed rainbow Jell-O mold, hoping the President would eat it so he isn’t so cranky at the next meeting. “Today he called me a lying, dog-faced pony soldier” McCarthy said. “I don’t even know what that is, but I’m sure it’s not good.”
A staffer who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity expressed grave concern: “He’s a nasty old curmudgeon on a good day”, the source said. “These brain meds clearly say take with food, something has to give.”
Reports that Biden has a pudding stash for emergency bursts of coherence are unconfirmed.