WASHINGTON, DC—NBC news reports that President-elect Joe Biden has selected Dr. Pepper to lead his Coronavirus Task Force, replacing Dr. Fauci. The move reportedly came after much deliberation from members of Biden’s transition team.

“Dr. Pepper has an excellent reputation as being one of the foremost experts in his field,” Biden said in front of a packed crowd of about six and a half people.

“He’s been serving our country faithfully since 1885–nearly as long as I have–quenching our thirst for knowledge in an area that most people knew nothing about. He has about the same expertise in epidemiology as my wife does in medicine generally, so that says a lot about his experience.

“And he’s not just a doctor by the way. He comes in different flavors too – son, father and husband. He’s a natural for the job – none of that artificial garbage. So I think his accumulated experience over the course of his long career will definitely be an asset to the task force.”

Nancy Pelosi was just about to speak to the media about Biden’s selection but her dentures suddenly fell out.

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Rafi Metz

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