WASHINGTON DC—Self-identifying President-Elect Joe Biden will sell 23 red states to China in his first 100 days in office. Hunter Biden will be facilitating the deal.

“Everyone thinks that Trump is such a great deal-maker. Well, I’m better! China’s going to pay a whopping $1 million for each state! That’s like a lot! And I get 10 percent! I’m going to be rolling in it!” Biden said in a press conference that has been censored by mainstream media and Twitter.

In order to keep the populace in tune to his plans, Biden has released a flagship 1st 100 Days magazine to guide us into the future. Senior editor and spokesperson, Brad Braidheart explains, “This will be more than just some post-it notes thrown together. In depth articles will explain the who’s and why’s and, well… you know… the stuff. The Pres and VP have some exciting programs they’re going to force, I mean offer to all Americans, not just our rowdy bunch. Lots of free stuff. Sure, a few extra rules to follow will be posted in our ‘you really ought to be doing this’ corner.

Can we talk Reparations? We’ve got a great online auction planned for all of Trump’s stuff and the proceeds will be donated to the Dreamer’s 2024 reelection committee. There is going to be a ‘design Trumps prison uniform’ contest and the winner gets dinner with Al Gore… can you imagine that?

OMG, can we talk celebrities? We have a new game show planned, Celebrity Presidential Driver. The star will be masked and the President will try to guess who that person is while they cruise the DC strip. Celebrities are going to be like cockroaches in this administration. Everywhere.

OMG, can we talk inauguration? The Riker’s Island choir will be singing Imagine while Beyonce holds the Bible for President Biden’s swearing in. The ball is going to be held at the Washington Biden Hotel, you know, the one that used to be Trump’s hotel. Hunter will be snagging that property.

Well, you’ll just have to read the magazine to get the rest of the ‘dirt’. Go Joe!

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