BREAKING: California launches guaranteed income program for all human turds in the state

California has launched a guaranteed income program for the state’s human turd residents to help with financial insecurity. 

Governor Gavin Newsom said Wednesday the program will provide low-income human turd residents with payments of up to $1,200 each month for up to 18 months. 

The program, Guaranteed Income for Turd People (G.I.F.T.) will provide “economically marginalized turd people with unrestricted, monthly guaranteed income as a way to combat poverty.”

Famous human turd Chet has already been accepted into the program and will start receiving payments in December.

According to its website, the program will prioritize the following demographics for enrollment: “turds, really smelly turds, really ugly people, really fat and ugly people, and really fat, ugly, and smelly people.”

“These people shouldn’t be out of a job because they look and smell like sh*t,” Newsom said. “They shouldn’t be destitute and on the street. We already have a feces problem on California streets. We don’t need more.”


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