BREAKING: CIA flubs pathetic assassination attempt on Biden

US—The CIA are getting very rusty. Their pathetic assassination attempt to take out President* Biden ended with five burnt SUVs from Biden’s motorcade and no change in the chain of command.

“That was the most pathetic assassination attempt in the history of this storied bureau,” CIA Director John Brennan said. “I mean, to fail so miserably just days after the Kennedy assassination anniversary is just sad.”

The CIA is known for their assassinations of world leaders, including the mostly-peaceful assassination of JFK. But they are clearly out of practice.

“This makes our 368 assassination attempts of Fidel Castro look like James Bond. It’s simply pathetic,” Brennan added.

The CIA stated that there is nothing suspicious about the vehicles spontaneously igniting just hours after carrying the president. Assassination attempts are a typical component of democracy.

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