WASHINGTON DC—After Congress got caught playing pork games with a previous stimulus bill, President Donald Trump sent the bill back to the legislatures and demanded that they increase the amount of aid to the American people.

Congress agreed and have approved a one-time cash payment of $2,020 in the form of a new bill created by Trump.

“They tried to give the American people the runaround while funding gender studies in Pakistan. That is unacceptable. My new Trump relief bill puts real money in Americans’ pockets,” Trump said in a press conference announcing the relief package.

A majority of Americans are happy with the relief though many lobbyists were disappointed.

“I guess I’ll have to wait until the next insane spending spree to get my pet funding for studying bisexual lizard drug habits,” prominent DC lobbyist Jack Ace said.

“Unfortunately, I think people are going to be reluctant to spend it because it has a picture of their greatest president ever on it, so we may have to do this again soon,” Trump added.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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