US—The Democratic Party has rolled out its latest messaging masterpiece: the “Peace Is War” campaign, a daring rebrand of their unwavering support for the bottomless money pit that is the Ukraine conflict. Unveiled with all the fanfare of a tax audit, the initiative aims to convince Americans that perpetual war is, in fact, the highest form of tranquility.

“This is about clarity,” Representative Nancy Pelosi said at a press conference. “Peace isn’t the absence of war—it’s the presence of justice. And justice means sending another $50 billion to Kyiv so they can keep the good fight going. Forever, if need be.” She paused to adjust her designer scarf, presumably woven from the threads of actual taxpayer dollars.

The campaign, launched with a slick ad featuring doves morphing into drones over a Ukrainian wheat field, leans hard into Orwellian vibes—because why not? Party strategists insist it’s a winner. “Voters love a paradox,” said DNC chair Jaime Harrison, sipping a $12 latte while ignoring a reporter’s question about casualty counts. “It’s bold, it’s fresh, and it’s totally not a rip-off of anything from 1984. We checked.”

The timing couldn’t be more poetic: as Ukraine’s war with Russia grinds into its third year, with no end in sight and U.S. aid packages piling up like Amazon boxes on a porch, Democrats are doubling down. “We’re committed to peace through strength,” Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer intoned, peering over his glasses like a disappointed librarian. “That means more HIMARS, more sanctions, and more stirring speeches about freedom—until the job’s done or the budget’s gone, whichever comes first.”

Republicans, predictably, scoffed. “This is just ‘war is good’ with extra steps,” sneered Senator Ted Cruz, stroking his beard like a Bond villain mid-monologue. “At least we’re honest about liking bombs.” Meanwhile, progressive outliers like Bernie Sanders grumbled about “corporate war profiteers,” only to be drowned out by the sound of Lockheed Martin execs popping champagne in the background.

On X, the hashtag #PeaceIsWar trended briefly before being buried under memes of Pelosi wielding a lightsaber labeled “Defense Spending.” “Dems out here saying war is peace while my rent’s up 20%,” posted

@BrokeInBrooklyn, summing up the public mood. A few diehards praised the pivot—“Finally, a vision for unity!”—but most just sighed into their coffee.

The White House, ever the team player, endorsed the sloganeering with a Biden cameo. “Folks, peace isn’t cheap,” the president mumbled in a 12-second clip, squinting at a teleprompter like it was written in Cyrillic. “We’ve got to stand with Ukraine, or else… well, you know the thing.” Aides quickly ushered him offstage before he could mention ice cream.

As the “Peace Is War” banners unfurl over Capitol Hill, the message is clear: Democrats are all in for Ukraine’s endless slog—call it what you will, just don’t call it a quagmire. With midterms looming and war fatigue setting in, it’s a gamble as subtle as a sledgehammer. But hey, at least the branding’s on point.

Coming soon: “Freedom Is Slavery” merch, exclusively at the DNC gift shop.

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