PARIS—In an unexpected twist, the 2024 Paris Olympics Committee has announced the addition of a new event: “Dodging Fire and Brimstone,” following the controversial opening ceremonies that left audiences both stunned and slightly singed.

The opening ceremony, which was meant to showcase the rich cultural heritage and artistic flair of France, took an unexpected turn when it featured a series of performances deemed blasphemous by many.

As the ceremonies concluded, a series of inexplicable natural phenomena began. Lightning struck the stadium, fire rained from the sky, and the Seine River briefly turned to blood. Officials, initially concerned, quickly pivoted to see the silver lining—or rather, the fiery red one.

“This is a unique opportunity to demonstrate the resilience and adaptability of our athletes,” said Jean-Luc Déluge, head of the Olympic Committee. “Dodging fire and brimstone will test agility, speed, and divine favor like never before.”

The new event will take place in the newly dubbed “Inferno Arena,” formerly the Stade de France. Athletes from around the world will compete to avoid flaming projectiles and sudden ground fissures, all while maintaining their composure and competitive spirit.

“We’re excited to show the world how well-rounded our athletes are,” said American track star Blaze Burns. “I’ve been training for this my whole life, dodging my mom’s chancla prepared me for anything.”

The event has drawn mixed reactions. Supporters argue that it adds an element of unpredictability and excitement to the games, while critics claim it trivializes serious theological concepts and basic safety standards.

“We are deeply concerned about the safety of the athletes,” stated Reverend Flames Worthington, head of the International Council of Sensible Sports. “But we must admit, it’s quite the spectacle. Just maybe, fewer biblical plagues next time?”

Olympic sponsors have also weighed in. “We were worried about the fallout from the opening ceremonies,” admitted PyroTech Industries CEO, Ember Sparks. “But now, with the new event, our flame-retardant gear sales are through the roof!”

As Paris prepares for what is now being called the “most apocalyptic Olympics ever,” spectators are advised to bring their own fire extinguishers, asbestos suits, and holy water.

Tickets to the new event sold out within minutes, with fans eager to witness history in the making—or unmaking, as the case may be.

While the Paris Olympics may have started with controversy, it seems they are determined to go out in a blaze of glory—literally.

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