WASHINGTON, DC—Pete Hegseth, clad in full medieval knight regalia, stormed into the Senate Armed Forces Committee hearing with the zeal of a crusader on a divine mission.

Eyewitnesses report that Hegseth, sporting an authentic-looking chainmail suit, a plumed helmet, and brandishing a large wooden cross, made a dramatic entrance by riding into the hearing room on what appeared to be a Segway cleverly disguised as a horse.

“Behold!” Hegseth bellowed, his voice echoing off the marble walls, “I claim this Capitol for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, in the name of the Holy Crusade of 2025!” His eyes gleamed with the fervor of a thousand medieval tapestries, and his voice boomed with the authority of a man who’d just discovered the last chicken nugget in the office fridge.

Senators, caught off guard, were initially too stunned to react. Senator John Doe was reportedly seen checking his calendar, wondering if he’d missed the memo for “Medieval Day at the Capitol.” Senator Jane Smith, on the other hand, was seen frantically texting, possibly to confirm whether this was part of the new Senate dress code.

As Hegseth began to recite what he claimed were “ancient battle prayers,” security personnel, dressed in modern garb (thankfully, they hadn’t gotten the memo about medieval attire), moved in. However, they paused, unsure if they should engage in combat or simply wait for the prayer to finish. It was a pivotal moment in Senate history; one could almost hear the clashing of swords that wasn’t happening.

In a bizarre twist, the session’s intended nominee for Defense Secretary, General Armor McShield, seemed to take the interruption in stride, nodding approvingly at Hegseth’s enthusiasm for historical reenactment.

The room erupted in chaos when Hegseth attempted to knight several bewildered interns with a plastic sword he pulled from his belt. “For your service to our crusade against… uh, paperwork!” he declared, as one intern ducked just in time, saving their dignity but not their day.

Eventually, after a brief scuffle involving a dropped shield, a spilled cup of coffee mistaken for holy water, and a senator’s tie caught in Hegseth’s armor, security managed to escort the modern-day knight out of the chamber. Hegseth was last seen reciting a prayer for the “protection of democracy” while being wheeled away on his Segway-steed.

In a statement later, Hegseth insisted that his actions were “a symbolic gesture to remind everyone of our Christian heritage and the righteous path America should take.” Meanwhile, the Senate Armed Forces Committee has decided to introduce a new rule: no historical reenactments during confirmation hearings.

As Washington returns to its usual state of political chaos, one can only wonder if this will be remembered as the day the Capitol was nearly claimed for a crusade, or just another Tuesday in the halls of power.

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