LONDON—Queen Elizabeth II — the longest-reigning monarch in British history — has information that will lead to the arrest and conviction of Hillary Clinton, sources close to the Crown say.

Elizabeth, who is 96 years old and lives primarily on oatmeal and adrenochrome, has been sitting on serious revelations about the former US presidential candidate Clinton for some time now.

“This could really put Hillary in a bad spot. From what I’ve seen, it is damning evidence,” political analyst Sam Eagle said. “This could be curtains for Hillary.”

UPDATE: Queen Elizabeth II has died.

The autopsy has not been concluded, but experts say that Elizabeth died from suicide by hanging from her bed.

One of the first public figures to mourn the loss was Hillary Clinton.

“Our thoughts and prayers are with the British Royal family who have lost not just a much-loved and highly respected public figure, but a devoted wife and a proud and loving mother, grandmother and, in recent years, great-grandmother” Clinton said in a statement.

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