SPACE—The United States is reeling as the Russians land another blow, taking over the space station. NASA received this report from Lieutenant Commander, Kayla Barron, the senior ranking officer.
“We are holed up in the Service Module right now, the two Russian M** F*** somehow got a tank onboard and forced us at around 0300, Canaveral time down the docking tube..
“Right now the four of us are safe and are formulating a plan. We believe the Russians were activated sometime in the last 36 hours. We have no idea what they plan to do, we are without food but have water from the containment line. Our fear is that, because of our proximity to the Docking Compartment, they would be able to space us. We have no idea what they are doing now as they have cut internal links but our hope is that maybe Space X and Elon can get to us before this happens. Lieutenant Commander Kayla Barron out.”
“This is Dr. Marshburn, I just want to add that I knew there was some bullshit goin’ down, that asshole Dubrov was doin’ a lot of whisperin’ and sneakin’ around last night and then boom, I wake up with a 75mm canon in my face this morning. I wanted to kick his ass yesterday but Kayla told me to cool it, the Russians just have a superiority complex. Yeah, I’ll say… Tom, out!”