AUSTIN, TX—Texas Gov. Gregg Abbott signed an executive order today declaring Californians in his state three-fifths of a person.

“I signed the executive order out of necessity because over the years, California has turned into a quasi-socialist utopia, exporting its terrible policies to the rest of the nation,” Abbott said. “And Californians who’ve moved to Texas have been importing their terrible policies and traditions with them, and that has to stop, otherwise Texas will become another California.”

According to the new executive order, Californians in the state will only be counted for purposes of taxation, but not for representation in the state’s legislature.

They’ll also only be allowed to operate semi-automatic nerf guns, permitted to speak only 5,000 words a day, required to take a yearly citizenship test, and required to social distance at least 6 feet away from all polling stations. Violators will receive stiff punishments, ranging from a $10,000 penalty to listening to Donald Trump’s speeches for an entire week, whichever one is more intolerable.

California eventually retaliated by deporting all of its native Texans to Cancun, Mexico.

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Rafi Metz

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