CHICAGO, IL — In a bold and controversial move, the Democratic National Committee (DNC) dyed the Chicago River red today to celebrate what they are calling “the ultimate expression of freedom and choice.” The event, dubbed “Rivers of Choice,” was part of a larger campaign to promote the party’s commitment to reproductive rights ahead of the 2024 elections.

The festivities kicked off early in the morning as a flotilla of boats, led by Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker and a giant inflatable Planned Parenthood logo, paraded down the river, releasing a crimson dye that turned the water an unmistakable shade of red. Crowds gathered along the riverbanks, many wearing “My Body, My Choice” T-shirts and waving “Roe Forever” banners, cheering as the river slowly transformed into what some onlookers described as “a breathtaking sea of liberty.”

“This is more than just a celebration,” said Governor Pritzker as he addressed the crowd. “It’s a statement. We are here to honor the hard-fought victories of women across this nation who have reclaimed control over their bodies. The red river symbolizes the strength, power, and determination of all those who have fought for the right to kill society’s most vulnerable people.”

The DNC chose Chicago for the event due to its deep connection with progressive politics and its symbolic status as the birthplace of many social movements. “We wanted to make sure this celebration was as vivid and memorable as possible,” said DNC Chair Jaime Harrison. “Dyeing the river red was the perfect way to visually convey our message of unapologetic support for abortion rights.”

The event featured speeches from high-profile Democrats, including Vice President Kamala Harris, who called the river “a living, flowing tribute to the cause of reproductive freedom.” Harris, in her usual exuberant style, praised the event as “a watershed moment—literally!” The vice president also took a moment to reflect on how far the movement has come, stating, “This river, much like our fight, is unstoppable. It flows with the power of millions of voices demanding to be heard.”

Harris is set to kick off the 2024 Democratic Convention by sacrificing two babies to Moloch.

Not everyone was thrilled with the spectacle. Pro-life activists decried the event as “disturbing” and “morbid,” with many taking to social media to express their outrage. “This is beyond tasteless,” tweeted one critic. “Turning a river red to celebrate abortion? What’s next, fireworks to celebrate euthanasia?”

Meanwhile, environmentalists expressed concerns about the potential ecological impact of dyeing a major waterway. “This is an environmental disaster waiting to happen,” warned one local activist. “The dye has killed all the fish in the river. So, they’re basically killing animals in celebration of killing babies. Bravo!”

Despite the backlash, the DNC remains unfazed. “We understand that not everyone will agree with our methods,” said Harrison. “But the point is to spark conversation, to keep this issue front and center. And if a river of red is what it takes to do that, then so be it.”

The DNC plans to make “Rivers of Choice” an annual event, with the possibility of expanding it to other cities across the country. “We’re just getting started,” Harrison promised. “Next year, we’re thinking of taking this nationwide—imagine the Mississippi running red with freedom.”

As the day drew to a close, the river continued to flow, a bold, red reminder of the ongoing battle over reproductive rights in America. Whether seen as a powerful symbol of choice or a shocking display of insensitivity, one thing is clear: the DNC has made sure that their message won’t soon be forgotten.

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