BREAKING: The Senate will call impeachment witness John Blasey Bolton

Democrats cheered as they secured enough votes to allow witness in the Senate impeachment trial of President Donald Trump. Their first star witness will be Ambassador John Blasey Bolton.

House Democrats over two days of questioning focused on the need for the chamber to call new witnesses—in particular, the weird amalgam of liberal female and neocon male. On Sunday, a draft was leaked of Mx. Bolton’s forthcoming book, in which he wrote that Mr. Trump sexually assaulted zir and that he was freezing security aid to Ukraine until it opened investigations into former Vice President Joe Biden, a leading Democratic presidential candidate, and other matters.

“Did he-she make up the story?” Representative Adam Schiff asked a room of victims in a CIA black site. “God forbid we should hear what a relevant witness has to say,” he snickered.

Senate Republicans were not impressed.

“Where do they get these people?” Senator Ted Cruz asked. “There’s no record of this person even existing before this trial but now were expected to believe everything he-she says?”

The first witness will begin testimony Monday.