WASHINGTON DC—In a move that has left the nation both parched and puzzled, former President Donald Trump, now serving his second non-consecutive term, has announced a bold new policy: the repeal of the 21st Amendment. This amendment, which ended Prohibition, has been summarily replaced with what can only be described as the “Diet Coke Act of 2025.”

The plan, outlined in a press conference at Mar-a-Lago, was met with a mixture of disbelief, horror, and a few secret sighs of relief from those who’ve been trying to kick the booze habit. “From henceforth,” Trump declared, his voice booming over the sound of a can of Diet Coke being opened, “all alcohol in the United States will be replaced by the finest beverage known to man – Diet Coke. It’s zero calories, keeps you sharp, and you won’t wake up with a hangover!”

The logistics of this policy are as follows: every bottle of wine, every pint of beer, and every shot of spirits will magically transform into Diet Coke by midnight Eastern Standard Time. Bars have already begun to brace for impact, with bartenders attending crash courses on how to mix a “Diet Coke Old Fashioned.”

The reaction from the public has been as varied as the drinks they once enjoyed. Craft beer aficionados are in mourning, with one noted brewer lamenting, “My life’s work, my beautiful IPAs, reduced to… this.” Meanwhile, sommeliers across the nation are reportedly considering a career change to something less soul-crushing, perhaps becoming soda sommeliers.

The health sector, however, has thrown its support behind the move, albeit with a smirk. “At least now when people talk about their ‘drinking problem’, we can offer them a slightly less damaging alternative,” quipped a leading nutritionist.

Economic analysts are predicting a surge in the stock value of Coca-Cola, with whispers of a new “Trump Edition” Diet Coke in the works. Meanwhile, the once-thriving alcohol industry is scrambling, with distilleries contemplating a pivot to producing carbonated water.

Political analysts are having a field day, with one stating, “This is the most Trumpian policy yet. It’s bold, it’s controversial, and it’s all about him. Diet Coke was his drink of choice, now it’s the nation’s mandate.”

In true Trump fashion, the announcement was not without its theatrical flair. A giant Diet Coke can was unveiled, adorned with an image of Trump giving a thumbs up, alongside the new slogan, “Make America Slim Again.”

As for the constitutional implications of this decree, legal experts are scratching their heads. “The 21st Amendment was repealed by Congress, not a press conference,” noted one constitutional law professor. “But who knows, maybe we’ll see a Diet Coke Revolution before this gets to the courts.”

In the meantime, Americans are left to ponder their new reality. Will happy hours become “Diet Coke Hours”? Will the next big party trend be a Diet Coke fountain? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: the bar scene in the U.S. will never be the same.

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