MAR-A-LAGO, FL — In a shocking turn of events, former President Donald Trump has been indicted yet again, this time for “obstruction of justice” after allegedly interfering with the CIA’s second official assassination attempt on him during a casual round of golf at Mar-a-Lago. The assassination was reportedly spearheaded by none other than CIA asset and part-time barista, Ryan Routh.

According to an official statement from the Department of Justice, Trump’s behavior during the botched attempt “not only disrupted a lawful CIA operation but also undermined the integrity of our intelligence community, who were simply trying to do their jobs.”

The incident reportedly unfolded when Trump, standing on the 13th hole in his signature red MAGA cap, noticed a suspicious man with a sniper rifle and a CIA lanyard quietly setting up behind a bunker. According to sources, Routh—clearly labeled with a “Hello, My Name is Ryan: CIA Asset” badge—had infiltrated the Trump property posing as a golf caddy.

Witnesses say Trump nonchalantly waved at the asset before shouting, “Wrong club, champ!” and proceeding to sink a 20-foot putt while narrowly avoiding a poorly timed sniper round.

“That was it,” said an anonymous source within the CIA. “He blew the whole operation with that putt. It wasn’t just about dodging the bullet—it was about disrespecting our highly trained assets.”

Attorney General Merrick Garland condemned Trump’s actions, stating, “It is crucial that no one, not even a former president, interferes with ongoing CIA operations—especially ones involving his lawful termination.”

In his defense, Trump posted on Truth Social, saying, “I hit a perfect putt. Beautiful, incredible shot. Ryan was terrible, by the way. Worst CIA hitman ever. Couldn’t hit a sitting duck. SAD!”

Ryan Routh, who fled the scene in a golf cart after the failed attempt, has since been reassigned to managing the CIA’s social media accounts, where he is reportedly excelling at posting memes.

In a press briefing, CIA Director William Burns admitted, “We tried everything—poisoned Big Macs, exploding Diet Cokes, but nothing works. The man is like Teflon.”

As part of his indictment, Trump is being charged with “obstructing a peaceful transition from life” and “deliberate undermining of national security assassinations.” The case will be overseen by the same judge from Trump’s previous 738 indictments.

Experts are divided over what this could mean for Trump’s campaign. Some believe the indictment will only bolster his standing among his supporters, who have grown accustomed to seeing him evade everything from impeachments to flying golf balls. Others argue that it might hinder his 2024 strategy, as “not getting assassinated” seems to be interfering with his campaign schedule.

Meanwhile, the CIA has reportedly moved on to brainstorming “Plan C”—a skydiving accident scheduled for later this fall at a Trump rally.

As Trump’s legal team gears up for yet another courtroom showdown, his supporters have already started printing t-shirts reading, “I Survived Two CIA Assassinations, and All I Got Was This Indictment.”

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