BREAKING: Trump put under quarantine until November for ‘infectious optimism’

At his most recent press conference President Trump was asked some questions that were intelligent, germaine, insightful and were crafted to provide the public with information to which only insiders were privy.

“Mr. Fatty…., er, President Trump, why do you make fun of people who are short or fat when you are obviously morbidly obese and dumb as a rock?”

Trump: “Well, first, I appreciate the question since it’s framed without bias, to which I say, I can always lose weight but you will always be ugly.”

“Mr. President, everything you say sounds so stupid and doesn’t make any sense.”

Trump: Thank you for that question as it gives people a good look at just how fair and balanced the media has become. As far as sounding stupid, have you been listening to some of your questions?”

“President Dumba…Trump, how can you be taking Hydroxychloroquine when everyone who’s taken it is dead?”

Trump: Since I’m talking to you today it looks like I’m not dead yet so maybe I’ll be the only person who hasn’t died from it. I do start trends so there, I just did.

At the end of the news conference, President Trump thanked the media for coming, thanked America for opening up, was upbeat about an economic recovery, and demonstrated a positive attitude and optimism for America’s future. For that he was pilloried by the media and encouraged to Shelter-in-Place until November, to which he replied, “If you don’t mind, feel free to do a physically impossible act!

“Oh yeah, have a nice day.”