NEW YORK—In a stunning turn of events that left New Yorkers equal parts confused and oddly proud, white smoke billowed from the top of the rebuilt Twin Towers early this morning, signaling the selection of a new mayor for the city that never sleeps—but often naps on the subway.

The mysterious plumes, initially mistaken for a vape cloud from a particularly ambitious street performer, were confirmed by city officials to be part of an ancient, never-before-revealed mayoral selection process. According to a dusty scroll found in the basement of City Hall (next to a crate of de Blasio’s unsold yoga DVDs), New York’s true leader is chosen by a secretive conclave of bodega cats, hot dog vendors, and the ghost of a disgruntled 19th-century Tammany Hall boss.

“We thought it was just a myth,” said MTA spokesperson Carla Rodriguez, who was busy explaining why the F train was still running on the Q line. “But when the smoke started, we knew: the city has spoken. Or, like, meowed.”

The identity of the new mayor remains shrouded in mystery, as the conclave—held in a pop-up artisanal kombucha shop in Williamsburg—has yet to release an official statement. Sources close to the process, however, claim the frontrunner is either a charismatic Central Park squirrel named Nutella or a Times Square Elmo with a suspiciously robust tax return.

Locals have reacted with a mix of bemusement and acceptance, which is to say, classic New York energy. “I don’t care who it is, as long as they fix the potholes and get the rats to pay rent,” said Brooklyn resident Jamal Carter, dodging a pizza crust hurled by a pigeon. Others speculated that the white smoke was a publicity stunt for a new vape flavor called “Gentrification Glow.”

Critics, however, are questioning the legitimacy of the process. “Why the Twin Towers? Why smoke? And why did I see a guy in a Yankees cap pouring lighter fluid up there?” one New Yorker said.

Meanwhile, outgoing Mayor Eric Adams, reached for comment at a Miami nightclub, simply shouted, “I’m the mayor of vibes!” before diving into a pool of cryptocurrency influencers.

The ritual’s origins are murky, but historians point to a 17th-century Dutch tradition where Manhattan’s leader was chosen by whoever could eat the most pickled herring without crying. Over time, the process evolved into the smoke-based system, allegedly because “it looks cool and freaks out the tourists.”

As the city awaits further details, the white smoke has already sparked a frenzy of memes, T-shirt sales, and a limited-edition Starbucks latte called the “Mayor Mist Macchiato.” Bookies are taking bets on the new mayor’s identity, with odds favoring Nutella the Squirrel at 3:1, followed closely by “That Guy Who Yells About Aliens on the 7 Train” at 5:1.

For now, New Yorkers are content to shrug, sip their overpriced coffee, and wait for the next bizarre chapter in their city’s history. As one lifelong Queens resident put it, “White smoke, black smoke, whatever—at least it’s not another MTA fare hike.”

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