Charlize Theron: ‘My child was a boy until age 3 when he said I’m a T-Rex’

Charlize Theron is the perfect mother, treating her children exactly as they want to be treated when they’re three years old, because we all know that children know everything when they’re three.

“My child was a boy until, when he turned three and he told me ‘I’m a T-Rex’ and since then, we’ve been letting him run around outside preying on wild animals and not bathing him.”

The now-seven-year-old Rexy as they call it often comes home for some human companionship with the blood of small mammals dripping from his mouth, but Theron rejects its pleas because, “he said he was a T-Rex, so that’s what we’re going with.”

Theron has also injected the former boy with reptilian steroids to increase muscle mass and roaring ability. The former-human now roars like a psychopathic lion.

“Because we all know that three-year-olds know exactly what’s best for them and we should completely alter their biology to accommodate their toddler whims!” Theron added.

This brave display of parenting perfection will be explained in a forthcoming book by Theron, “How I Completely Abdicated My Role in Parenting Because Social Justice”. It will be on book shelves this summer.