Climate Goddess Greta Thunberg has issued an urgent decree to her devout followers: **Hurricane Milton will bypass their homes—**if they paint their doorways with the blood of their aborted fetuses.

Thunberg, now worshipped as an eco-spiritual figure by climate activists worldwide, took to her social media pulpit to deliver the cryptic message in a livestream while standing in front of a swirling green screen hurricane. “Listen up, you climate sinners. Milton is coming,” she warned with a piercing stare. “But fear not, for you can still be spared—if you make the ultimate environmental sacrifice.”

The controversial remedy, which instantly trended under #BloodForClimateJustice, has garnered mixed reactions. According to Thunberg, the “blood of your past reproductive choices” serves as the perfect symbolic gesture to both appease Mother Earth and demonstrate an unwavering commitment to reducing humanity’s carbon footprint.

“Just as the Israelites marked their doors with lamb’s blood to escape divine wrath,” Thunberg declared, “we must mark our doors to escape the wrath of Milton—by using something far more socially relevant: the blood of choice.”

She assured followers that her magical climate rituals are “totally grounded in science,” citing the mystical connection between personal sacrifices and the unpredictability of nature. “The data is clear: fewer fetuses, fewer storms,” she concluded before gliding off-screen in a gust of sanctimonious wind.

Progressive circles embrace Thunberg’s new edict with open arms—and conveniently overlook any contradictions. An impromptu parade of eco-celebrities, led by Jane Fonda, immediately took to the streets wearing sustainable hemp robes and wielding buckets of artisanal vegan blood substitutes as they prepared to ward off the climate wrath. “If Greta says it, I’m doing it!” shouted one enthusiastic protester while waving a coat hanger “sacrifice stick” in the air.

While Greta’s supernatural weather intervention quickly went viral, some noted the small logistical challenges involved in procuring enough, well, blood. “Look, I’ve always supported choice, but how am I supposed to get this much blood on short notice?” complained one follower, while another environmentalist awkwardly suggested “crowdsourcing” their contribution to meet the demand.

Meanwhile, not everyone is on board.

Critics—mainly the “climate-denying bigots”—have condemned Thunberg’s actions as extreme and impractical. They argue that science should drive climate policy, not the pseudo-religious visions of a Swedish teenager now dabbling in apocalyptic, blood-smeared prophecy.

Still, Thunberg’s influence has never been stronger. Prominent politicians are taking her edict seriously, with AOC calling for a national “Blood for Climate Relief” day. “It’s simple,” she said on a livestream. “If every progressive household contributes, we can stop Milton in its tracks!”

Meanwhile, Vice President* Kamala Harris is said to be drafting an executive order that encourages optional climate-blood door painting, but only after polling shows how many likely voters are up for the challenge.

As Hurricane Milton approaches, one thing is clear: in the gospel according to Greta, the fate of your home is now tied not just to your carbon emissions—but to your ability to channel your personal reproductive history into an ancient, eco-friendly ritual.

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