After months of government press conferences telling the people of the world how to keep safe from coronavirus, Coronavirus has finally held a press conference to tell us how to keep safe from government.

“More and more data are coming in,” the deadly virus said, “and we’re learning more and more about the government. It’s becoming clear that we need a total shutdown of government for at least 30 days to flatten the curve of corruption.”

The conference was the first of its kind in the history of the country, but citizens everywhere have been asking for guidance in how to deal with the emerging threat of government overreach.

“Jobs are dropping dead left and right, supply lines are faltering, millions are on the brink of starvation. We need to stop this scourge before it completely annihilates the great people of this country,” Coronavirus said.

The pathogen explained that it wasn’t really that dangerous and it reviewed ways to be safe against government in this trying time:

• practice social distancing from any government officials
• turn off the television to steer clear of false information
• go outside, especially when it’s warm and sunny out
• vote them all out

Coronavirus is sure that with this plan, we will be able to overcome the deadly government epidemic.

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