Democrats sent an $87 trillion bill to American taxpayers for everything they promised in a generous auction-style debate the last two nights.

“Oh you thought all that ‘free’ stuff was going to be free?” DNC Chair Tom Perez said laughing. “No, you still have to pay.”

Famed auctioneer Bobby “T-Bone” Williams will presided over the auction in which democratic candidates tried to out bid each other for votes using other your money.

“It was a rather genius format,” Perez said in a conference after the debate. “Basically the entire race has become a bidding war to see what candidate can offer more taxpayer money to people, so we just decided to make it official with a real live auctioneer.”

The process followed national livestock trading auctioneering rules in which the auctioneer said a price and contestants will raise their hand to indicate that they are willing to spend that amount of other people’s money on people.

“It got out of hand quickly. From Yang promising universal basic income to Kamala Harris promising slave reparations to Beto promising Cinco de Mayo reparations to Bernie who just wants straight up communism, it got pricey early. Thank goodness we don’t have to pay for it and the American taxpayer suckers do.”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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