It’s a rather poorly kept secret that Senator Amy Klobuchar has been downright abusive to her staff for years. Her constant berating, temper tantrums, outrageous demands, and demeaning put-downs are legion. The ‘Minnesota nice’ moniker that her campaign has put forth is exactly the opposite of her abusive nature and has been replaced by ‘Minneapolis Maniac’ and ‘The St. Paul Satan’.
Initial reports found that when staff had failed to bring her coffee in the morning she would first berate them and when alone with them on the road would push them out the car door as they were speeding along. A few staffers complained about this but most were killed instantly so not much came of this.
Another story has staffers who fail to show up on time being bound and gagged, ankles duct-taped, and hung upside down out of her fourth story Senate building window for 72 hours all the while blasting Steve Millers “Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping….into the future.” Again, a few members complained but were so deaf after the experience had to enroll full time in lip-reading school so this went nowhere as well.
There was, however, a special place hidden away in Klobuchar’s office reserved for those who dared to disagree with her on policy. Behind her bookshelves, on a mechanized rotating platform, hidden in a soundproof booth was an electric chair. It had been given to Amy by her mother who used it for fun on unsuspecting guests on their Minnesota farm. Though after a while little Amy didn’t have many friends and by the age of 2 had no actual living relatives.
The Electric Chair was only discovered because when in use, the Eastern Seaboard would go dark. In addition, the burn units in local hospitals were so full that many beds had to be placed inside the frozen vegetable sections of local Piggly Wiggly’s. Luckily for Amy, all the staffers from the Biden, Warren, and Buttigieg campaigns have jumped ship and joined the Klobuchar campaign. Unfortunately, Bloomberg has offered those staffers $100,000,000 each to join his campaign forcing Amy to drive to Home Depot every morning to obtain ‘fresh faces’ as some staffers leaving her office no longer had theirs.