Failed presidential candidate ‘Beto’ launches gubernatorial ‘Beta’ campaign

EL PASO—If at first you don’t succeed, try failing again.

That’s the unofficial motto for Robert O’Rourke’s Texas gubernatorial campaign after his stunning presidential race failure in which he spent tens of millions of New York and Los Angeles dollars to end up second-to-last ahead of only Kamala Harris.

“I’m used to losing,” O’Rourke—who is running for governor as “Beta” now—said. “So, I thought I would just lose smaller this time.”

His campaign will surely get a lot of attention and funding since he’s pushing a new brand of political ideology, what his team calls “soycialism”.

“It’s like socialism in every respect, but it’s less manly,” Beta said. “We’ll totally be sending people off to the Gulag, but we’re going to apologize for it while we’re doing it.”

Analysts are saying that the limp-wristed campaign could generate $1 billion before it’s over.

“We offer a clear alternative to the powerful, alpha-male Allen West character that so many women and fellow beta-males find off-putting. Call it a kinder, gentler authoritarianism.”


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