In a rare display of political unity, President Trump on Monday signed a bipartisan bill that, for the first time, makes acts of animal cruelty a federal crime punishable with fines and up to seven years in prison.

Human fetuses are scrambling to get in on that action as it’s currently perfectly legal to maim, torture, and vacuum the brains out of a preborn baby.

“I heard about the bill and was first of all kinda sad,” 20-week fetus Jerome Jenkins said. “But then I got to thinking, I could just identify as a pit bull and then I would have as many rights.”

The bill expands a 2010 law signed by President Barack Obama that banned videos that show animals being crushed, burned, drowned, suffocated, impaled or subjected to other forms of torture.

“I’m pretty sure I getting dismembered from head to toe would be included ‘animal cruelty’ so all I have to do is identify as a dog and we good!” Jenkins added.

Other fetuses have recently identified as illegal immigrants to be granted life by Democrats.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts