UNITED STATES—Following his indictment, former President Trump has pleaded not guilty to 34 felony counts in New York. Curious as to what exactly he’s being indicted for? We have the inside scoop:

1.     Adhered to the Constitution and Bill of Rights. 75 years in prison.

2.     Being conservative. 50 years in prison.

3.     Made America Great Again. 100 years in prison. (!)

4.     Brought the Middle East to the brink of peace. 35 years in prison.

5.     Nominated and the Senate confirmed three constitutionalists to the Supreme Court. 75 years in prison.

6.     Protected religious liberty. 15 years in prison.

7.     Most pro-life president ever. 85 years in prison.

8.     Tremendous economic growth and business expansion. 10 years in prison.

9.     Lowest unemployment rate among African Americans. 15 years in prison.

10.  Increased sanctions on Russia. 5 years in prison.

11.  Was Israel’s biggest supporter. 45 years in prison.

12.  Moved the U.S. Embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem. 25 years in prison.

13.  No wars fought during his presidency. 15 years in prison.

14.  Drained the swamp. 10 years in prison.

15.  Gave back Americans more of their hard-earned money. 5 years in prison.

At publishing time, Trump put out a statement saying, “I’m the greatest felon ever! Nobody has ever committed so many felonies like I have! Let’s keep ‘em coming!”

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