PHILADELPHIA—The New York Metropolitan Jail guards who were watching Jeffrey Epstein while he was suicided have been brought in to ensure a secure election process in the most populous city in Pennsylvania.

“We want to make sure that there is no funny business and that democracy doesn’t kill itself in Philadelphia, wink, wink,” Pennsylvania’s top election official Kathy Boockvar said in a press conference announcing the move.

Epstein’s prison guards oversaw the successful security of the disgraced financier while he hung himself in his jail cell while all the security cameras were experiencing weird technical failures.

Boockvar has also brought on the security camera technicians who worked on the prison’s cameras the day they turned off.

“We’re bringing in the whole crew. They did such a good job that we want to emulate that right here in Philly,” Boockvar said.

A spokesman for Epstein’s estate, Haadid Nahkil Muhssef, said that it was a bad move, but that we should trust our officials.

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts