HOLLYWOOD—In a bold marketing move that left parents everywhere questioning their sanity, toy giant Mattel has announced an unexpected promotion for the upcoming Barbie movie. In an attempt to boost ticket sales and completely indoctrinate audiences, they’re offering free abortions with every purchase of a ticket to the film.
In a press release, Mattel stated, “We understand that watching Barbie in all her feminism can be a transformative experience for kids. So why not go the extra mile and treat them to the ultimate feminist action of killing her baby while they immerse themselves in Barbie’s world of woke feminism?”
Parents initially reacted with a mix of confusion and concern. “I mean, I get it, Barbie loves to accessorize and all, but I’m not sure if an abortion is the right reward for watching a movie,” said one parent. “I’m just picturing a theater full of kids with their legs up while Barbie struts around on the big screen. It’s a bit disgusting.”
As the news spread, some critics accused Mattel of going overboard with the promotion. “What’s next? Sex-change operations?” joked one Twitter user. “I’m all for taking down the patriarchy, but I think they might be taking the Barbie fantasy a little too far.”
Meanwhile, Planned Parenthoods across the country have expressed mixed reactions to the promotion. Some are excited about the potential boost in business, while others are concerned about the logistics of accommodating hordes of young Barbie fans. “It’s going to be a challenge to keep up with demand,” said one clinic owner. “We might have to recruit some extra baby killers just to keep up with all the influx of customers!”
In response to the criticism, writer and director Greta Gerwig defended the decision, stating that it’s all in the name of enhancing the movie-going experience for women. “We want women to feel like they’re stepping into Barbie’s world, and what better way to do that than with an abortion? There are no babies in Barbie World!”