EAST LANSING, MI—Michigan’s White Witch Gretchen Whitmer has officially launched the 100-year quarantine, emulating Los Angeles’s 100-year quarantine and by defying all science and humanity.

“I’m sorry for the confusion I created yesterday when I indicated that we were going to ease the lockdown due to our progress in the fight against COVID-19. I had no intention of giving the impression that this lockdown will end soon,” Whitmer said at a press conference announcing the decision.

“You may call it the 100-year winter if you like,” Whitmer said. “We have stopped global warming and we are going to induce global cooling with this 100-year quarantine.”

Whitmer also informed us that she has killed the entire Michigan Legislature and all theirs sons in order to consolidate rule over the kingdom.

“Oh, yeah, and there will be no Christmas for 100 years,” Whitmer said stoically.

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