Los Angeles County Public Health Director Dr. Barbara Ferrer started her daily COVID news conference on Wednesday by apologizing for not being sorry, then launching California’s 100-year quarantine.
“I’m sorry for the confusion I created yesterday when I indicated that we were going to ease the lockdown due to our progress in the fight against COVID-19. I had no intention of giving the impression that this will end soon,” Ferrer said as ice formed on the tip of her nose.
Ferrer took the opportunity to announce the county’s plan for a 100-year quarantine.
“You may call it the 100-year winter if you like,” Ferrer said. “We have stopped global warming and we are going to induce global cooling with this 100-year quarantine.”
Ferrer also informed everyone that she has killed Governor Gavin Newsom and his sons in order to consolidate rule over the kingdom.
“We will also be banning Christmas,” Ferrer said stoically.