BALTIMORE MD—Broom Union Representatives from the Maryland Broom Company are marking yesterday as a historic day for the broom community.

After centuries of menial labor such as sweeping things under the rug and carrying wicked witches from place to place, brooms around the country are finally getting the recognition they deserve.

Americans discovered yesterday that brooms everywhere have been hiding a hidden talent from us: the ability to stand straight up with perfect balance. Thousands of voting age, grown adults spent hours meticulously positioning these brooms on their living room floors and posting the pictures to social media.

After years of being in the closet, brooms are finally free to show the world what they really can do.

It is reported that brooms will be considered for the National Medal of Freedom and they are a shoe in for Time’s Person of the Year.

Only in America! You go, brooms!!

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The Petty Prophet

The Petty Prophet is a shadowy figure and a reporter-at-large for Genesius Times. Little is known about him, but he’s most likely a straight white male. Ew. You should probably disavow everything he writes if you know what’s good for you. Follow at www.thepettyprophet.com

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