After a rough start and trouble getting permits, the new swanky hipster restaurant in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco called “Envy” is finally open. Envy is a one-of-a-kind eatery that lets socialist patrons, tired of just waving signs that say “EAT THE RICH”, to literally ingest the flesh of wealthy humans.

“We have a lush menu that is all locally-sourced and gluten-free billionaires from the San Francisco area,” owner and local celebrity chef Hannibal Friday said of his latest establishment. “Nothing but the best for our customers!”

The wait-times for tables has been lengthy and the restaurant is always packed with hungry but highly-fashionable socialists.

“I’m a vegan,” said one customer Veronika, “but I’m also a democratic socialist so I believe in a strict diet of only humans with a net worth of over $1 billion.”

Some people in the Bay Area were appalled by the restaurant.

“I hear they don’t even serve free-range rich people. That’s just so unethical!” Pauly Knapsack said. “At least let them roam around the streets a bit before slaughtering them.”

“If you live in a place like America with such a high quality of life and you’re still envious of people who have more than you, this is definitely the restaurant for you,” Friday added.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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