Bernie declares eating $6.2 million duct-taped bananas a human right to be paid for by government 
Jaguar introduces new car to match its new ad campaign 
BREAKING: I was raped by whoever Trump selects for one of his cabinet positions 
BREAKING: Elon Musk buys MSNBC to constantly air video of Alex Jones giving Morning Joe and Mika noogies 
CNN: Startled by Loud Noises, President Kennedy Trips and Falls in Limousine 
Biden promotes non-binary Brinton to head TSA citing experience stealing women’s luggage
WASHINGTON, DC—A non-binary Biden administration official nuclear waste expert was charged with stealing a traveler’s luggage from the Minneapolis airport...
Satire That’s Truer Than News
BREAKING: CIA flubs pathetic assassination attempt on Biden
US—The CIA are getting very rusty. Their pathetic assassination attempt to take out President* Biden ended with five burnt SUVs...
FBI Concerned About Outbreak of Free Speech on Twitter
There’s been an explosion of free speech on Twitter since Musk bought the company, and that has the FBI very...
BREAKING: Ukraine asks for another $41B in aid to fund an audit of the previous $92B in aid
KYIV—Ukrainian Volodymyr Zelensky has asked the United States for an additional $41 billion in aid to pay for an audit...
Local Jewish Man Excited to Learn He Controls Media, Hollywood, Finance Industry, and Legal Profession
It was an ordinary morning for local Jewish man Jacob Weiss. Mr. Weiss, like most Americans, reads the newspaper every...
BREAKING: Pentagon hires Sam Bankman-Fried after proving he can lose money as fast as anyone
US—The Department of Defense has hired embattled cryptocurrency Ponzi schemer Sam Bankman-Fried after he lost $16 billion overnight. "We saw...
GOP to read Constitution aloud on House floor so they know ‘exactly what to ignore when they pass unconstitutional laws later on’
Kevin McCarthy said the entirety of the United States Constitution will be read on the first day of the new...
Child Abuse Hotline volunteer shocked when Joe Biden tried to ‘place an order’
WASHINGTON, DC—A volunteer for the local Child Abuse Hotline service was shocked when she received a call from President* Joe...
OP-ED: The Case for Impeaching Donald Trump in 2024
Donald Trump, the twice-impeached former president who was responsible for the Thirty Years’ War, the American Revolution, the French Revolution,...
