Planned Parenthood names Andrew Cuomo CEO citing his extensive experience killing people

NEW YORK—Planned Parenthood announced today the replacement of its current CEO with New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. The selection of Cuomo as new CEO was in the works for many months, according to reports.

Planned Parenthood announced the decision via Twitter, stating in part, “Over the past year, Gov. Cuomo has demonstrated his incredible experience with ending human life on a massive scale and being able to shirk all responsibility for his actions, which is precisely what we’ve been looking for in a CEO. Gov. Cuomo has the skills and temperament to lead Planned Parenthood. I mean, they even coined the term cuomocide in his honor. We wish him much success.”

Following Planned Parenthood’s announcement, Andrew Cuomo held a celebration in a New York nursing home to mark the occasion. “This is a great day for us all,” Cuomo said, in an impromptu speech to the event’s attendees. “This whole nursing home debacle didn’t turn out too bad after all. I mean, yeah, sure 13,000 people died in the state’s nursing homes, but it eventually propelled me to CEO of one of the greatest organizations in America. Things like that don’t happen every day. You have to admit, that’s pretty neat.”

Later in the day, Cuomo announced the publication of his sixth book, this one called, “How I Became America’s Most Prolific Serial Killer and Got Away With It.