The first astronauts to reach Mars were disappointed to find absolutely no sign of life anywhere on the planet, though they did find some amazing growing human fetuses.

“Yeah, that’s not life,” Captain Mark Whatney said. “I mean don’t get me wrong, it’s an amazing thing but definitely not life. And definitely not a unique human life.”

The fetuses all had unique human DNA and upon testing them with ultrasounds, the astronauts found beating hearts and an active nervous system that could feel pain, emote, and even laugh.

“We may have better luck at finding life on Jupiter’s moons,” Whatney said. “These Martian rocks are pretty important and we’ll bring those back home, but the fetuses aren’t worth anything at all. We can put them in the Martian dumpster.”

The mission was aimed at discovering any life as simple as a bacteria, but unfortunately, came up empty.

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