WASHINGTON, DC – Presidential candidate Joe Biden has been quarantined and staffers for his campaign have finally convinced him to grow his own mustache, which will enable him to smell hair any time he wants, 24/7.

It is well known that Biden is an almost entirely flawless candidate, but he does have one weakness. Due to a genetic abnormality or perhaps an ancient curse placed upon him by a witch, Biden has the complete inability to keep himself from sniffing the hair of every single human being he comes in contact with.

“We are all used to it by now,” said one staffer as she smeared some foul-smelling garbage in her long hair. “We each cope in our own ways, but there was some concern that Biden’s unfortunate condition may hurt him on the campaign. Now that Biden has his own mustache, he can sniff hair all day even while under quarantine!”

Sources in the campaign report feeling relieved to have found a solution to Biden’s troublesome hair-sniffing habit, but they are now facing a new problem. Biden will often interrupt himself in the middle of the speech to close his eyes and take a deep whiff of his new mustache.

Awkward.

_{Originally published March 28, 2020.}

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